Roseyland

Hello everyone. Today is a big day. It’s my 100th blogging anniversary. Well, it’s my 100th post. That’s the same thing right? Regardless, this is a big deal, and I’ve decided to get you something. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have. It’s you who should be showering me with gifts and admiration. If it helps, consider this a gift for all of us to share. Without further ado, here it is:

Do you like it? I do. Boxing day is my new favorite holiday. I have no idea what Boxing day is, but judging from the picture above, it’s awesome. You are probably wondering where I got her, I mean it, the picture. I got it at istockphoto.com. That’s right, I paid for her, I mean it, the picture. Here’s another:

I think this picture is cool, but I can’t remember, are you supposed to walk towards the light or away from it? I was going to do this whole long post on where I find images for my blog, but then I thought that just posting a bunch of images would be more fun. I’ll give you the list version though:

• I feel like every post should have a picture. Pictures help set the mood and convey much more information than words alone.
• You can’t just grab any picture you want from the web and put it on your blog. You have to have permission from the content owner. Don’t steel, it’s bad.
• Whenever possible, I try to use my own images, but shockingly, I don’t have a picture of everything.
• If I can’t use my own picture, I try to find a creative commons licensed image. These are images that people allow you to use for free. There are different licenses, but most commonly the images are free for non-commercial use with attribution to the author. All of the images on my Flickr account are licensed under creative commons. The only thing I don’t like about creative commons is the attribution part. It isn’t exactly clear to me what attribution means. If it was just a link on the photo, that would be cool, but I think you are supposed to put a caption under the image, and captions suck. I’ve yet to find a caption scheme that I’m happy with. Currently I use tables, but the code for that is ugly. I feel like there should be a more elegant solution.
• When it comes to celebrities, or commercial products, or any type of image that is all over the web anyways, I just download the picture and use it. I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but if the image is everywhere anyways, I figure it doesn’t really matter.
• After all that, I’ve started using istockphoto.com. You have to pay for these pictures, but you don’t have to attribute them to anyone. It’s feels weird to pay for a picture, but the photos in this post only cost a $1.50 each. I certainly waste more money on less important things. Plus, I love browsing the images. Its fun. Seriously, you should try it.

Here is another picture. I already have lots of pictures of a cat, but I thought this image was particularly striking.

Here is a political picture for you. It’s a tea party with Alice and the Mad Hatter. Hmm. The Mad Hatter is crazy. A crazy person at a tea party. Interesting.

Just for fun, I thought I’d throw in the meaning of life, which is clearly defined in the equations below. I’d explain it, but it’s so obvious. I don’t want to insult your intelligence.

I both love and hate this next picture. I love Buddhism and the whole complex human relationship with spirituality and suffering and stuff. This image would be an awesome illustration of all that, except that it’s fake. The problem with a lot of istockphoto.com images is that they usually use models. Which is fine for some things, but I can tell that the woman in this photo is striking a pose rather than expressing any real experience. That sucks, because if this was a real picture, it would be amazing.

One more image just because I love you. You’re welcome.

See, sometimes models are good. This post cost me $10.50. I think that makes it my most expensive post ever. I doubt I’ll use istockphoto.com images very often, but it’s a nice option to have, if you can’t find the perfect picture any other way. So, what did you get me?

Here at Roseyland we pride ourselves on being a bastion of high brow intellectual discourse. Tonight we will be engaging in a thinking game colloquially referred to as Kill Fuck Marry. (No, that isn’t an appropriate use of the word colloquially, but it felt right, deal with it). This is where you are given a list of three people and you have to choose one to kill, one to fuck, and one to marry. Tonight’s lists of killing, fucking, or marrying candidates are brought to us by Matt of Doane College and Delta Kappa Pi fame. Matt was nice enough to propose this game in a comment to my last blog post. Let’s begin!

A). Marisa Miller, Heidi Klum, Jessica Biel

Okay, look. I don’t read People, or US Weekly, or watch TMZ. I’m also horrible at names and faces. Who in the hell is Marisa Miller? Let me do a Google image search… Oh dear god. Wow. Good for her. This (possibly NSFW) is nice. And this. And this. Yeah, um, I’m gonna fuck her.

So that leaves Heidi Klum and Jessica Biel. I know Heidi because she a judge on that runway show that has nothing to do with airplanes. She’s quite fit as well. (Psssst… “fit” is British for looks fuckable. You may now consider yourself cultured). I know that I know Jessica Biel, but I can’t seem to bring up her image in my mind. Let’s do another Google image search… Jessica’s nice, but not my thing. I’ll kill her and marry Heidi. I think I’d enjoy the German efficiency Heidi would bring to our union.

Next List.

B). Lady GaGa, Kathy Griffin, Scary Spice

I think I preferred the last list, can we just do it again? No? All-right. I’m actually somewhat of a Kathy Griffin fan. I love here Life on the D List show on Bravo. I also like Lady GaGa’s song Just Dance. It’s a good song to get you going on the way to work in the morning. I don’t know much about Scary Spice, but I do remember the Spice Girls.

I’m going to marry Kathy. An odd choice given that she’s the oldest of the three, but she’s funny and I think it would be cool to hang out with her on a daily basis. Plus her last husband was kind of a dick, so she deserves a good guy like me. I’m going to kill Lady Gaga and fuck Scary Spice. Lady Gaga just seems a little out of control. I don’t do out of control. Supposedly Scary Spice was named “Scary” because she has a take charge up front personality. That could make for a unique bedroom experience. I’d like to try it out.

Next List.

C). Rosie O’Donnell, Barbara Streisand, Amy Winehouse

I have to kill Rosie. I actually like Rosie when she doesn’t let her mouth get too far ahead of her brain, but that never last very long. My biggest issue with Rosie is this. I’ll spare you the gory details, but basically Rosie did her own little expert structural engineering analysis and determined that the U.S. government must have been responsible for 9-11. I don’t do crazy, so I’m afraid Rosie has to go.

Every time I see Amy Winehouse, I think she’s a drag queen. An attractive drag queen, but still a drag queen. Also, isn’t she some type of raging drug addict? Or has she recovered? Either way, I can’t marry her. I could fuck her though, so I will. I guess that means I’m marrying Barbara. She older, but super rich. I can deal with that.

Well that was fun. Feel free to critique my selections. Remember, we are all about intelligent discourse here at Roseyland. Also, I should warn you, this blog post uses the word “fuck” a lot. This is out of character for me, but the nature of the game Kill Fuck Marry makes it necessary. If such language offends you, please don’t read this post.

I got things I want to say. Here they are:

• Look! It’s a picture of a cat being all cute! This will probably be your favorite part of this post.

So I’ve blogged about 5 women I might marry here, and 5 attractive women that I do not find attractive here. This post is about 5 women I want to wash dishes with. I don’t want a relationship with these women, I just want to wash dishes. Now this is a PG-13 blog, but I want to be clear about what I mean by washing dishes. I mean, warm, wet, slippery, deep penetrating, in the kitchen sink dish washing. Got it? Good.

5. Avril Lavigne

Avril is the bad girl of this list. She is every bit as hot as Britney Spears, but not nearly as dumb. I even like her music. When “Sk8er Boi” or “Girlfriend” comes on the radio, I don’t change the station, unless somebody else is in the car of course. I love Avril’s confidence and unique style. I also like her compact and rockin body. I imagine that Avril would wear chucks, a t-shirt, tie, and those leather studded forearm things when we wash dishes. That would be hot.

4. Isla Fisher

Isla has all the right curves. Curves are important for dish washing. Really. I love Isla’s face. It’s so friendly. It says, “Hi!, I’m super fun!, let’s wash dishes!”. This picture of Isla is my favorite picture in this post. Isla looks so sweet and innocent, yet you get the feeling you could be washing dishes with her in a heartbeat. If Isla ever comes over to wash dishes with me, I want her to wear that exact outfit.

3. Elisha Cuthbert

You know what my favorite part of a woman’s body is? No, not those, and not that either. A flat, toned, yet not too muscular stomach. Elisha has the perfect stomach. I love the way the definition of her abs directs your attention lower. It feels like you can see more than you really can. She must have spent hours in the gym to get a stomach like that. Which is good, because you have to be in shape to wash dishes. It’s all about elbow grease. Elbow grease and a flat tummy.

2. Yvonne Strahovski

Yvonne is at least 50% of the reason I watch Chuck (okay, 75%). She’s hot and she can kick ass. Kicking ass is also important for washing dishes. It keeps grease, you know… on the run. Yvonne is from Australia. Why are people from other countries always more attractive? I bet they wash dishes better too. I need to find out. Yvonne, please come over, my dishes need you.

1. Hayden Panettiere

First of all, get off my back. Hayden is 19, which makes it totally legal for me to wash dishes with her. I assure you, I had no interest in washing dishes with Hayden until August 21, 2007. Moving on… I don’t know what to say about Hayden, she’s got it all. I never had a thing for cheerleaders in high school, but I do now. Especially cheerleaders that can rapidly heal and and regrow body parts. Dish washing can be dangerous, Hayden’s skills could be useful.

So there you have it, five women that I consider highly dish washable. Like most guys, there aren’t many women I wouldn’t wash dishes with (wearing the appropriate protective gear of course). Do you like washing dishes? If so, all of this could be yours.

I never know how these post are going to come across, and then I spend all this time worrying about it. I hope this isn’t taken too seriously and that it comes across as goofy/funny. Please don’t throw things at me Also, I feel like I need to credit MuthaMae for the use of the term dish washing, which she used in this Tweet.

The votes are in, and it looks like the overwhelming winner is: “Am I In The Women’s Restroom Of The Internet?”. I have to admit, I am completely unprepared to write this post. I honestly thought everybody would vote for oatmeal fudge bars. The oatmeal fudge bars are delicious by the way, and if you had voted for them, not only would I have made them and blogged about them, but I also would have personally delivered an oatmeal fudge bar to each and every one of you. But I guess you would rather read about the women’s restroom. Freaks.

I started this blog a little over six months ago. I’m still not exactly sure why I decided to start blogging, but I think there are three main reasons:

1. I was really getting into Twitter, and everybody on Twitter had a blog, so I figured I should have one too.
2. I actually already had a group blog with some friends from college, but it suffered from apathy, so I decided to kill it and resurrect it as my own personal blog.
3. In college, my quadmates and I used to stay up late having these intense debates about religion, politics, whether there were more cars driving around with bowling balls in them vs. 20 pound bags of flour (long story), whether or not more people knew who Tom Osborn was vs. Phil Jackson (don’t even get me started), etc… I miss these debates, and the farther and farther I get from college, the less and less comfortable I am discussing politics, religion, and bowling balls in real life. So this blog is a place for me to express my thoughts without worrying too much about what other people think.

So after a few months, I was getting into this blogging thing. I was witting posts, reading other blogs, and interacting with a few other bloggers through Twitter and blog comments. Then one day I looked up and realized that I was surrounded by women. Suddenly, I felt like the only guy at a Tupperware party. Do they still have Tupperware parties? You know what I love? Statistics. Let’s do some stats.

1. Of the 32 comments to my blog, 3 are from men and 29 are from women. That is over 90% female for all you non-math majors.
2. Of the 23 personal blogs I have listed under St. Louis Blogs on the right, 15 are by women and 8 are by men. That is 65% female, but I have to admit, I tried to include more blogs by guys, so that I wouldn’t look like a stalker or anything.
3. Of the last 60 @ replies I have on Twitter, 28 are from men and 32 are from women. Okay, so that is pretty even, but I swear it feels like there are more women on Twitter.

When I first realized that I was surrounded by women, I became self conscious. Was I trying to join* a group that didn’t really want me? Is blogging like a scrap booking party, or a Pampered Chef party, or a sex toy party? Is blogging the women’s restroom of the internet? Is this paragraph offensive to women? Probably.

My conclusion: I don’t have one. In reality, I think I knew that more bloggers were women than men before I even started. I seem to remember CNN doing a report about this a few years ago. At the time, I didn’t really know what blogging was, so I just filed that little tid bit of information away in the not so deep recesses of my mind. I do feel like blogging brings a certain balance to my life. I am an engineer, and I spend 50 hours of my week surrounded by men. Middle aged men who have 2.5 kids, live in St. Charles county, and like to talk about sports, their lawn, and the weather. I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but everyone needs balance. Maybe blogging while surrounded by a plethora of female bloggers helps me find that balance. Or maybe, deep down inside, I secretly want to be a woman. Yeah, I’m going with balance on this one, definitely balance.

Thoughts? Opinions? Do you wish I had blogged about oatmeal fudge bars now?

*Initially I used the phrase “insert myself into” instead of the word join. This um, just didn’t sound right. It was kind of funny though, so I included this note.

The image in this post is “Women’s restroom sign” by eszter and is licensed under creative commons.

A while ago, I wrote a post about 5 women that I’m considering marrying. This is a similar post except that it is about 5 attractive women that I don’t find attractive. Don’t get me wrong, these women are beautiful, they just don’t do it for me as much as they do it for most guys. I’m always getting asked by women whether or not I find various celebrities attractive, a question I hate by the way, but these questions have partly motivated me to write this post. Let’s get started:

5. Paris Hilton

I know everyone is annoyed with Paris Hilton these days, but I never really thought she was that ‘hot”. I think it has something to do with the bone structure in her face. I wish her appearance was just slightly softer or something. It also might be because I feel like I know a little too much about her. Attraction requires a little bit of mystery.

4. Halle Berry

Halle is gorgeous except for one thing. Her hair. I don’t like her short hair, it makes her look like a boy to me. I know she has longer hair these days, but I can’t get the short hair out of my mind. This is kind of strange, because there are lots of women with short hair that I find attractive, but not Halle Berry. I think it is a combination of the short hair and its poofed up style.

3. Pamela Anderson

I almost didn’t include Pamela Anderson on this list, because you don’t hear much about her anymore. I had to include her though, because I wanted to talk about boobs. I’m not a boob guy. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like boobs, but I don’t go all gaga over a set of obscenely large breast when I see them. To me breast are a component of the overall whole, and they are most attractive when they complement the body they are attached too. It is just as easy for breast to be too big as it is for them to be too small. Pamela’s breast are far to large, I prefer a more natural look.

2. Cameron Diaz

I don’t know why, but Cameron Diaz looks like a smoker to me. I don’t think she is, but whenever I see here, I just have this vision of her smoking like two packs a day (is that a lot?). Smoking turns me off, so even looking like a smoker ruins it for me. I realize this makes no rational sense, but neither do a lot of things in life.

1. Angelina Jolie

Number one on my list of attractive women that I do not find attractive is Angelina Jolie. In this case what I don’t like is what everybody else seems to like so much. Her lips. Like I said about Pamela Anderson, I prefer a more natural look, and those lips are not natural. They are distracting and they bother me.

I hope this post doesn’t come across wrong. Of course all of the women in this post are insanely attractive, and of course there are much more important things that physical beauty. This is just one of those areas where I have different opinions that most people, and I thought that might be interesting.

I’m 30 years old now. Well, 30 and a few months. I’ve decided that everyone else is right and I need to get married. You have to understand, this is challenging for me. I don’t know if you have noticed, but there are women everywhere. The grocery store, the mall, the gym, restaurants, inside, outside,… everywhere. I swear half the population must be female. How’s a guy supposed to pick just one? It was hard, but after hours of research and background checks, I’ve come up with five women I might marry. Brace yourself, this is exciting… somewhere in this list is the future Mrs. Rosey.

5. Natalie Portman

Truth be told, I’m not a big Star Wars fan, but I am a fan of Padmé Amidala. Natalie is a 26 year old Harvard grad. Cute and smart, what more could I want. On the down side, she is a vegan, but I can deal with that.

4. Julia Stiles

Julia Stiles just does it for me, I don’t know why, but she does. She is a 26 year old graduate of Columbia University and a former vegan. Hmm… I must have a thing for 26 year old vegan Ivy League grads, then again, who doesn’t?

3. Danica McKellar

Danica is a 33 year old graduate of UCLA. She is a little older than me, but she is also Winnie Cooper. In college, she coauthored a paper titled “Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller models on Z²“. Finally, a woman who appreciates Gibbs states.

2. Mandy Moore

Saved! Is one of my favorite movies, and I loved Mandy Moore’s performance in it. Mandy is 23 and apparently hasn’t been to college. Usually I prefer a learned woman, but I’ve heard that Mandy is very nice and down to earth. I like nice and I’m totally down with earth.

1. Reese Witherspoon

Narrowing my list down to 5 was hard, but picking #1 wasn’t. I’ve loved Reese since Pleasantville. Reese is a 31 year old former Stanford student. Of course she is divorced with two kids and never graduated from college, but it doesn’t matter, in my eyes she’s perfect. She’s smart, she’s cute, she’s quirky, she’s perfect.

To the lucky women who made this list: Congratulations! I’m sure this is as exciting for you as it is for me. Email me, and we can initiate the courtship process. I only ask one thing, please please don’t fight over me. Keep in mind, while I like you, it is possible (though unlikely) that you may not like me.

To all of the women who did not make this list, you were going to be #6, but we all know that lists must contain 5 or 10 elements. A list of 6 would be weird. In the unlikely event that one of the top 5 drops out, you will move onto the list. You know, because a list of 4 is weird too.