Roseyland

This is my new girlfriend Meghan. I know what you are thinking. What about Reese? Reese is still my number one girl, but she knows a man like me can’t be tied down to just one amazing woman.* I’m like Hugh Hefner, minus the grotto. This new relationship has been very exciting. Megan is not like any girl I’ve ever dated before. She is very opinionated and we disagree on several issues. There is a certain tension to our relationship, and I like it. Megan and I do agree on one thing though, the Republican party has a major branding issue. Silly republicans. Never fear though, the Roseyland organization is here to help.

First, let’s talk about gay sex. I love gay sex. Who doesn’t? I mean personally I’ve never had gay sex, and I don’t really ever plan to, but I hear that some people love it, and that’s cool. Unless you are a republican. I did some research, and apparently if a republican wants to have gay sex, he is required to have it in an airport bathroom. That is so frickin wrong. I’m uncomfortable going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom, I can’t imagine having sex in one. I’m no expert, but I am pretty sure that forcing people to have gay sex in airport restrooms violates the Geneva Accords, and nothing will hurt your brand identity faster than violating the Geneva Accords.

What’s the solution? Embrace gayness. Let it exist as freely as non-gayness. Just think of all the energy you will save. Energy that could be used on, you know, real issues. Also, have some sympathy for the sane and rational people among us. Imagine that you are a fiscal conservative who wants to vote for a fiscal conservative, but suppose that you also have a few gay friends that you care about and who you want to be happy? Who should you vote for? Should you fuck your friends over and vote for the fiscal conservative republican? Or should you support your friends and suppress your fiscal identity. All over this country, fiscal conservatives are living in the closet because they are afraid of the shame it could bring to their friends and family. I call on the Republican party to let fiscal conservatives out of the closet. Your brand will thank you. Once you get over the gay thing, we can work on some other issues like stem cell research, sex education, separation of church and state, etc…

Look, I don’t really consider myself a liberal, or a conservative, or a progressive, or whatever. I think political ideologies are like religious beliefs. It’s good to believe in something, but ultimately no set of beliefs is right or wrong. That’s just not how it works. Your beliefs don’t really say that much about you, but how you practice those beliefs says a ton. If you practice from a standpoint of love and of being a part of something greater than yourself, you can believe in almost anything, and it will work out. If on the other hand, you have the greatest beliefs ever, but you use fear and thinly veiled hate to propagate those beliefs, sooner or later, you will self destruct. This world needs balance, and the conservative perspective is an important part of that balance. Today’s republicans are making it far to easy to dismiss their views by fighting battles that don’t serve anyone’s cause. Stop it. Listen to people like Meghan McCain and Steve Schmidt.

*Disclaimer: I am not completely crazy. I fully realized that I am not in any sort of relationship with Meghan McCain or Reese Witherspoon. Pretending that I am is a lame attempt at humor, and not a psychological disorder. Unless repeated lame attempts at humor is a psychological disorder, in which case I’m screwed. Regardless, I lack the motivation and proactive nature required to be a stalker, so Reese and Meghan have nothing to worry about. I pinky swear.