Roseyland

I’m 30 years old now. Well, 30 and a few months. I’ve decided that everyone else is right and I need to get married. You have to understand, this is challenging for me. I don’t know if you have noticed, but there are women everywhere. The grocery store, the mall, the gym, restaurants, inside, outside,… everywhere. I swear half the population must be female. How’s a guy supposed to pick just one? It was hard, but after hours of research and background checks, I’ve come up with five women I might marry. Brace yourself, this is exciting… somewhere in this list is the future Mrs. Rosey.

5. Natalie Portman

Truth be told, I’m not a big Star Wars fan, but I am a fan of Padmé Amidala. Natalie is a 26 year old Harvard grad. Cute and smart, what more could I want. On the down side, she is a vegan, but I can deal with that.

4. Julia Stiles

Julia Stiles just does it for me, I don’t know why, but she does. She is a 26 year old graduate of Columbia University and a former vegan. Hmm… I must have a thing for 26 year old vegan Ivy League grads, then again, who doesn’t?

3. Danica McKellar

Danica is a 33 year old graduate of UCLA. She is a little older than me, but she is also Winnie Cooper. In college, she coauthored a paper titled “Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller models on Z²“. Finally, a woman who appreciates Gibbs states.

2. Mandy Moore

Saved! Is one of my favorite movies, and I loved Mandy Moore’s performance in it. Mandy is 23 and apparently hasn’t been to college. Usually I prefer a learned woman, but I’ve heard that Mandy is very nice and down to earth. I like nice and I’m totally down with earth.

1. Reese Witherspoon

Narrowing my list down to 5 was hard, but picking #1 wasn’t. I’ve loved Reese since Pleasantville. Reese is a 31 year old former Stanford student. Of course she is divorced with two kids and never graduated from college, but it doesn’t matter, in my eyes she’s perfect. She’s smart, she’s cute, she’s quirky, she’s perfect.

To the lucky women who made this list: Congratulations! I’m sure this is as exciting for you as it is for me. Email me, and we can initiate the courtship process. I only ask one thing, please please don’t fight over me. Keep in mind, while I like you, it is possible (though unlikely) that you may not like me.

To all of the women who did not make this list, you were going to be #6, but we all know that lists must contain 5 or 10 elements. A list of 6 would be weird. In the unlikely event that one of the top 5 drops out, you will move onto the list. You know, because a list of 4 is weird too.